Forgiveness
by Ralix 18
Summary: When the Rum Tum Tugger happens upon Demeter in the dead of night, she can't help but be a little curious as to why he's been searching for her.


The night was clear and warm with a hint of summer in the air. A recent blackout had eradicated all the lights in the city and the only things glowing were the full moon and stars.

I sat alone in the semi-darkness, my black and gold coat nearly blending in with my surroundings. Normally I wouldn't be out here by myself, much less at night, but I felt that _something_ was waiting for me. It had led me up here and told me to wait. A clock in the distance struck a lonely hour. The only problem was, I've waited for almost two hours now...

I swallowed heavily and snuck a glance behind me. I didn't see anything.

_This is stupid, Demeter. _A part of my brain scolded me. _What if it's a trick?_

_I would know._

_Would you?_

I snuck another glance. Nothing. As I moved a paw to turn around, I felt something waver in my chest. A familiar, threatening feeling…

It's not Macavity. It was close but it wasn't _him_. Whoever was walking towards me had a stride that was heavier and…cockier?

"What are you doing here?" I frowned at the Rum Tum Tugger, who leaned against the brick storage shack in the shadows with one hip jauntily askew. Without waiting for an answer, I made a move to get away from him but _something_ stopped me. For some reason, that didn't feel right.

"Looking for you," he answered, obviously pleased to find me.

My whiskers twitched in annoyance. Besides Bombalurina, only one other cat would be looking for me. "Did Munkustrap send you?"

"No." The Rum Tum Tugger slid his paws through his belt in a manner that would have had the kittens collapsing into dead faints. I only raised an eyebrow. "He's out on patrol." I nodded and turned towards the moon again. He then asked conversationally. "What are you doing here?"

Inwardly, I sighed. I wasn't in the mood for a Tugger conversation. "Contemplating." I murmured.

"Contemplating what?" He sounded intrigued.

I grasped at a concept. "Like why there is a man in the moon when the moon is supposed to be female." I was hoping the statement would shut him up. He stood in silence for a moment.

"The power of duality," he finally surmised. "The sun is male and the earth is female. Then you have the moon. It reflects the light of the sun and it pulls the tides of the earth." He nonchalantly shrugged. "Makes sense."

I stared at him, caught off-guard by his sincerity, not to mention the formulation of such a well thought out…thought. "Yeah. I guess."

"Besides, why does the moon have to be female?" He stuck his tongue out at me playfully. I resisted the urge to smile. He stood awkwardly for a moment. "So… may I join you?"

I regarded him warily. "Do you have to?"

"I would like to." Once again, he seemed earnestly sincere about it.

My guard lowered. Might as well…"As long as you don't try anything."

"I can't. You're already taken."

I nearly rolled my eyes. "Like that's ever stopped you."

He smirked and sat down beside me, not too close for discomfort but not far enough to be alone. Despite the warm air, I shivered. He noticed. "Am I bothering you?"

"You know it's not you." He nodded. He knew.

A reign of silence descended between us. As the minutes ticked on, I kept waiting for him to break it, to add some sort of comment about how great he looked or something like that, but for once, cat got his tongue. I swallowed heavily. Silences of this kind made me uneasy.

"Nice night." I remarked softly.

"Yeah. Almost summer."

_Almost another Jellicle Ball_, I thought.

He picked up on my thoughts. "Almost another Jellicle Ball."

I looked at him in surprise. "You scare me sometimes."

"You're easy to scare, it's not that hard."

"I've gotten better."

"Really?" He focused his eyes on mine, leaned back, and then suddenly lurched towards me with a loud roar.

I didn't move except to draw my ears back and hiss.

He chuckled. "Cute."

I smirked proudly at his remark, but I should have known. The Rum Tum Tugger does not give up easily. "Macavity!" He roared. The world shattered around me and black filled my vision. Black and white. Black, white, and red. My jaw opened but nothing came out. Nothing inside me could come out. I disappeared into the void.

"Demeter? Demeter? Come on, Demeter, wake up." A warm paw caressed my face and when I opened my eyes, a face slowly came into focus.

"Munkustrap?" I mewled, like some little kitten that needed something.

"No, uh, it's Tugger." Anger flooded through me and I shoved him away.

"You_._" I growled.

He shrank back from my intensity.

I partially turned and started grooming my electrified fur, the steady bass drum of my heart cascading in my ears. "You didn't need to do that."

"I'm a Curious Cat-."

"And I hope it kills you one day."

"If it happens, shouldn't be too bad. Grizabella's up there." I glared at him, even though his comment about her didn't sound sarcastic. He lay on one side, an arm resting on his knee. His face tracked the paths of the heavens. He mused on his next words for a while. "You know when you do stupid things and regret them?" At the sight of my face, he backtracked. "See? Like that? How did you get over _it_?"

I knew what '_it' _he was talking about and the night didn't feel as warm anymore. In fact, a cold wind was beginning to sift through my fur. I stood up and started to leave. "Thank you for the company, Tugger."

He shouted after me. "Why can't we talk?"

I whirled around. "And talk about what? Macavity?"

"Only if you want to." He straightened up, his mane bristling with indignation. "I'm just trying-."

"To what?"

"I'm trying to get something off my chest."

"Then just say it." I spat.

He worked his paw through his mane, a habit from nerves, and then set it down determinedly. "How do I find forgiveness from someone who's not here?"

My anger softened. "I don't know. Go ask Old Deuteronomy."

He scoffed. "I'm tired of getting the same answer." His tail lashed at the air. "But, you... you were like a daughter to her. You were there when it all happened. You need to know."

"I don't know," I repeated vehemently. "In all honesty, I'm still asking myself."

"What do you need to be forgiven for?" His hazel eyes narrowed. "You were one of the first ones to welcome her back."

"Not her." I burned with shame. "Me."

"What did you do?"

I breathed in deeply. "I went with _him_."

"It's not your fault."

Now it was my turn to glare. "Don't say that. Don't pretend I didn't know what I was doing. I knew perfectly well what I was doing."

"Alright, you don't need to snap at me. I just thought we could talk about it."

"Why does everyone think I need to talk about it?" I exploded. "I want to forget about it, and if you can't understand that, then leave me alone!" My insides churned and my claws arched from their sockets. All he had to say was one more stupid thing and I would-.

"You know what, Demeter?" He hissed. "Maybe they're right. Maybe you do like feeling this way."

It felt like he punched me in the stomach. "I don't."

"Then get over it, babe. It'll do the world a whole lot of good."

"Why do you even care?" I retorted.

"How much longer do you think Munkustrap's going to wait? One more year? He wants a family and you're too selfish for even that."

A second punch to the gut. "I'm not selfish."

"I give up." He stood up, seemingly obscuring the moon. "I don't know why I even wasted my time-." He started to charge off.

"You're not." I whispered and to my surprise, he stopped and glanced back. "You're going too fast for me." His tail quickly twitched. I sat down near the edge of the roof and patted the brick seat beside me. "I'm ready to talk. We can talk, if you still want to."

"Like it'll make a difference," he huffed.

"Like old times." A memory stirred within me. "Remember? Before Macavity came and changed everything."

The leopard cat starred into the distance. "Those times. I forgot about those." He pondered the option. "Alright."

He sat close beside me, which didn't bother me for once, and the night finally felt right. This is what I had been waiting for.

A cloud attempted to cover the moon but the winds brought it through its course another way. The wind also brought the sounds of rowdy laughter and loud music. I looked towards the street.

"The Friend at Hand, I believe."

"Famous joint." Tugger agreed.

I glanced at him.

He added in his defense. "Not like I miss it or anything. But, they always knew when to have a nice time."

"Times have changed."

"Yeah, I don't call their kittens 'dancers'. I call them 'looking for trouble'."

I made a small noise in my throat. "They don't know better."

"You used to dance like that," he remembered suddenly.

"I used to." I said defensively. "But I don't like to."

"That's good. Otherwise, you'll have the toms drooling all over you."

I shuddered with distaste. "Smelling like cream and catnip," My nose crinkled. I lamented. "Remember when Grizabella made you get up there?"

"How can I not?" He rolled his eyes. "Made me get up there with a boa and garters and proclaimed, 'I would like to introduce to everyone, my daughter, Cleopatra'."

I laughed. I had forgotten about that. "That's right. Your stage name."

"What was your name?"

I tilted my head back in thought. "Can't recall."

Tugger's face lit up at the memory. "Moonlight Gem, wasn't it?"

I blushed and stammered, "Don't think so. I'm not in a hurry to recall."

Tugger's eyes suddenly became focused on something. "Look. There's Bustopher."

I looked down to see a pair of spats disappear around a corner to the famous nightclub. "The parody of a double life." I mused. Bustopher Jones wasn't known as the cat about town for nothing.

Tugger clicked his tongue."Even more so for a cat."

"Mistoffelees is happy for him."

The leopard cat scoffed. "Skimbleshanks isn't. Good ole Bustopher Jones still hasn't given up on Jennyanydots."

I pounded the brick roof. "Seriously? I thought they were finally mated?"

"They are." Tugger looked taken back. "But what makes you think that stops him?"

"Cheeky."

"Oh, yes." We smiled at each other and nostalgia passed through me.

I sighed, "We really haven't done this in a long time."

Tugger rubbed a paw across his face. "You grow up, you go out, and you change. Nothing stays the same."

"Too bad it can't."

Finished, he curled his paw against his chest. "What would you keep the same?"

I pondered the question as my tail slowly curled and uncurled. "I don't know. Lots of things."

"Like staying a kitten?"

"Sure," I chuckled.

He jokingly reached over and rubbed my back. I jerked away, the delved scars tingling from his touch. He drew his paw back, horrified.

"How did you get those?" My jaw tightened. Besides a few select cats, no one else knew. He looked away from me. "They must have hurt."

"They did, and they still do."

"Scars shouldn't hurt."

"Phantom pain."

He surveyed the ground. "Sorry."

"Don't tell anyone," I pleaded.

"I won't." Tugger said assuredly. "Bomba knows, doesn't she?"

"Of course she knows. She has a few of her own."

His jaw dropped. "Really?"

I gaped at him. "Don't you. . . didn't you …?"

He smirked at me. "Believe it or not, she actually doesn't want to go too fast in a relationship."

I was stunned. "Oh."

"But, from what I hear, you haven't even spent the night with Munkustrap yet."

I narrowed my eyes at him. "We're taking our time."

"Sure you are." He was on his stomach now, one paw supporting his head. "I bet you're just wanting to have him balls deep in you every moment."

My stomach churned. "No. No, I don't. I can't."

"You can't what? Let him?"

I sighed. "Exactly."

"Maybe we should have Misto hypnotize you. Figure out how to reverse the damage."

I hollowly laughed. "Fat chance. Then, you'd probably have him ask me some very personal questions as well."

"Like what?"

"Like asking if I liked it." A slight gust of wind blew a glass bottle off the roof. It shattered with sharp sounds into many pieces.

Tugger awkwardly cleared his throat. "Well, no, we weren't. But since you brought it up-."

"I hated it." No emotion tempered my words, it was all heavy sound. "I hated that I wanted something out of it so badly."

"What did you want?"

"Love. I wanted to be loved." And, if I also really wanted to be honest with myself, some bodily mischief as well, but the level Macavity took it to was well beyond my physical wellbeing. "It's when the pain hurt so much, I had to like it to survive it."

"Oh. That type." His face darkened. "I know that type." I glanced at him. Was he ready to talk about that time? Maybe more? He saw my frank curiosity. "You don't tell anyone either." I merely shook my head. Anything spoken between us on this night would remain between us.

He took a deep breath and slowly began. "It was amazing that something could hurt so much and yet, feel so good, all at the same time." He lost his Tugger charm and simply became the damaged kitten he tried to hide so much. "Just hearing the sounds of my skin tearing to make room for him, to guess at the amount of damage between us … some part of me wanted him out, wanted him out so badly. But another part, a darker, more submerged part, wanted him to keep going and to keep hurting me because I had never felt something like that before." His eyes were glazed with the memory. Unconsciously, I reached out and touched his paw. He allowed it and we were mere statues for some uncertain time. He finally pulled himself together and grinned. "Never had anything like that again, though."

I nodded. "That's good. Healthy." I added as an afterthought.

He looked somber again. "But, sometimes, I still want it, and that's why I don't know if I want her to know, to know that a tom wants another tom to… do things to. From."

"Is that why you sometimes go to Mistoffelees?"

"He's had something like it, so he can understand."

"So, you like both? Queens and toms?"

He flicked a gaze at me. "Careful, Demeter. I don't like what you're implying."

I pulled away from him. "What do you know about a queen in heat?"

He frowned in confusion. "I don't get it."

"What do you know?"

"They go for toms." He said as if it was the obvious answer.

"Did you know they can go for queens too?"

His eyebrows jumped. "Really?"

A blush of shame spread through me. "Bomba had to help me once. It was my first heat and Macavity wasn't around and she was and…"

Tugger was boggle-eyed. "So, you mean, you and Bombalurina, had a queen and tom moment?" I didn't answer. "Who was the tom?"

"Tugger!" I gawked at him, but he wasn't finished.

"What did you use?"

"That is none of your business. Just know that it happened." I crossed my arms and swiveled away from him. "Toms." I grumbled.

Tugger chuckled."Munkustrap and I nearly made out once."

I nearly fell off the building. "What?" I squeaked.

"Yeah." He nodded in remembrance. "It was about the time he and I were beginning to get our tom parts and we were wrestling and they happened to brush. We stared at each other for a good minute before he leapt up and raced home."

I shuddered. "Must be terrible to have something like that down there."

"Not as bad as you think. Kind of like your breasts."

"Don't. Look." I growled in a voice that could have killed him. When I glanced at him, he was pleasantly gazing at the sky.

"Must be nice to have those."

"Not in the least. I rather wish I was flat-chested."

He gaped at me. "Why?"

"Because they only get in the way. I have no use for them."

"I could find a use for them."

"Touch me and I'll castrate you."

"That's a serious threat."

"I seriously mean it." But, underneath our words was a laugh. It felt good to bicker like this again, just like when we were kittens. A sigh escaped me. "Why did we have to grow up?"

"The world always needs kittens, I suppose. It just happens."

"Then why do we need puberty? Why can't we stay innocent?"

He shrugged."Cat curiosity?"

"Yeah." We were silent again. I felt a question rise in me. "Tugger?"

"Hmm?"

"Did you ever want me?"

He stared at me, his features frozen. "No." He finally muttered. "You were always out of my league."

"I tried."

"No use now." He was fiddling with his claws, arching them from their sockets and then slowly pulling them back. "You were too much of a goody-goody."

"Ha. Says the cat who wants to be a father to some kittens."

He suddenly growled. "There's nothing wrong with that."

I was taken back. "I didn't say there was."

His tail lashed against his side. "There's nothing wrong with that." He repeated quietly but his eyes blazed like charcoal. "But at least I won't be like my father."

No one had known Tugger's father but apparently he had been quite the player and had left Grizabella as soon as he knew she had a kitten coming. Tugger had never gotten over it.

I could relate. "Can't say much there. Family life wasn't great either."

"Do you miss your mother?"

"Every day of every moment." I gently nudged Tugger's head. "But, Grizabella went to the Heaviside Layer. You know your mother's coming back."

"Yeah." He sighed dramatically. "How will I face her then?"

I nudged him a little harder. "Come on."

"What?"

"We're not in the right position."

He suspiciously tilted his head. "Not in the right position for what?" He repeated slowly.

I motioned towards the sky. "Sunrise."

"Oh." There was a noticeable difference in the air. The stillness of the night was becoming a little more agitated. Tugger stood up and stretched. "Whoo. For a second there, I thought you were going to say-."

"Sorry, I like you, but, no."

Tugger's face split into a very wide Cheshire grin. "You like me?"

"Sometimes." I started to lead the way to a more easterly direction.

Tugger padded after me, his mane bristling with cockiness. "I can deal with that."

I rolled my eyes as I jumped up onto an apartment complex's roof. Tugger followed and sat as close to me as he did before, and just like last time, I allowed it.

New sounds and smells were rolling in: the dripping steam of coffee, the cracking of scrambled eggs, the heated exhaust of an early shower. Down in the streets, cars and buses were beginning to line the roads. Sleepy pedestrians dimly walked the sidewalks with a determined nonchalance.

Time passed and a painting began to emerge. Rose tints and yellow highlights swirled with the purple background. Beautiful. I purred at the sight when I suddenly received an answer.

"Tugger?" He gave a noncommittal sound, his mind focused somewhere else. "I think it's like a sunrise."

He sleepily murmured. "What is?"

"Forgiveness." He groggily turned his head towards me. "Guilt colors the sky, and makes it dark and forbidding and you wish that the stars would notice you. But then the sun comes, and you realize that that same sky is now bright and those same stars join in with hope. They're always there."

His hazel eyes blinked and looked into the distance. Pretty soon, he found the last shining star near the horizon. "So you think she's one of those stars?"

"She was too bright to be anything else." A yawn forced my mouth open and tears sprang to my eyes. Wow, what a long night. I unsteadily stood up and stretched with another yawn making my whiskers tickle my eyes. I regained enough composure to say, "So, when you're ready, you can tell her, but I'm sure she already knows." A molten line appeared over the horizon. My pupils narrowed to slits.

"What about you?" The Tugger inquired before I had completely sprung away. "Is it sunrise that you find yours?"

I shook my head. "No, try as I might. I'm too deep in the darkness."

He then stated matter-of-factly. "Then your forgiveness is the moon." I nodded. He continued. "Makes sense. It's lonely, but it makes sense."

Everything was bathed in a red hue. A flush of heat rose from the brick. It was going to be hot today. The sun silhouetted the leopard cat and a rare presence of peace radiated out from him.

He gave me a genuine grin. "Have a good night, Demeter." I smiled back. Underneath his tone, I caught an unspoken, _thank you._

"You too, Tugger," I replied back as I hurried away, but what he heard was, _you're welcome._


End file.
